♢ Trauma dump ♢

       I've had a lot of things on my mind, at the same time my mind has been a habitual foggy mess. It's made me question many things about myself, what I'm neglecting or ignoring in my life, what I'm leaving behind unsolved and what I'm brushing off as being insignificant at the moment. 

       Many peeps think that if you don't give attention to your problems they won't eat you up inside. But what if that very thing harmed you all this time? I thought I was protecting myself by not directly facing the darkness sickening my mind. My body automatically does this thing as a coping mechanism, but I'm pretty sure I've also done it myself in a more conscious way (I'm positive I'm not doing it in a harmful way towards myself, but it usually ends up to be a toxic habit). I've volutarily chosen this escape route named ignorance. 

       I'm aware this isn't the best decision, but is it really completely mine? 

       I've lost my train of thought countless times when I really wanted to focus and interpret my feelings and thoughts. It's like my mind can only handle so much until I'm exhausted. So, in order to have a positive attitude, I ultimately prefer to be oblivious to the fact that I've been through a lot and those things still affect me to this day. I act child-like in order to keep myself happy. That has some bad consequences, but it mostly is innocuous enough.

      I know I have a purpose, and that is to try my hardest to do the things I like and make my dreams come true. I know my ways of coping aren't the best, but I can't do more than I know. I'm working on understanding what would be more beneficial to make some real progress. 

      I've encountered sadness many times in my life, I know how it feels to be left to rot in your misery when you needed to be held and listened to the most. You don't choose how people react to your visible hardships. By visible, I mean present on your face and body, because the damage can't always be concealed by youth. I may be still young at 20, going on 21, but I often see the effects of my constant negative thoughts not just from the fact that I can't go a day without doubting myself, but also on my many bodily imperfections. 

      I try to keep things positive in my daily life, but I can't help the feeling that it's meaningless. Like I said, most days I don't confront these inner beliefs, I hold them far away when I'm awake. As a result, there's an abundance of nightmares festering my subcoscious mind and I've developed some behavioural issues, such as compulsions, a bad reaction to criticism and other things that remind me of my many concurrent and ubiquitous traumas that are surrounding me each day that passes by. 

      The days go by like a torrent and they take ahold of my in their way. I can't swim, so my mind goes directly to the possibility that I'll drown after a short while. I'm not refusing to swim, I just I don't feel capable to. I have to train to have endurance to the things that want to hinder my plans.

      I have to use them in my favor and make each day count, to not leave everything to a theoretical destiny. After everything I've been through, I feel empowered to make something of myself, even if this journey has its ups and downs, I'm confident enough to say that I'm ready to start being the best version of myself, no matter how long it might take me.

      I'm unsure when I'll have a day off from either anguish & crying or physical & mental voidness. The only thing I know is that I'll never stop attempting to look ahead with a changed perspective.

Albeit this won't happen in an instant, I shouldn't stop in my tracks and give up.